CJ is FINDING it

My daughter is wearing my old ballet shoes today...

2009-03-23T10:15:00.002+11:00

Hey anyone who comes by!

I have weighed in this morning and put on the 700g I lost last week exactly but I'm very happy with that, I knew i would need to do some adjusting after a week on my own and I'm very happy it's not a LOT of adjusting I have to do! lol I did lose another 3cm all over though. Also this week I've gone back to eating dinners at dinner time because I've been cooking them from scratch and really wanting to know what they were like. Every meal that I've made my daughter has helped me with in some way, in fact she would get quite upset when there were no more veggies to chop (of course the dinner goes down in front of her and she picks them out, loves them fresh, not so much cooked, but her dad picks stuff out too so what can I do??? lol), the fact is she is so excited about helping and about the meal to come, she's been so encouraging in her own little way I've been feeling so good about it all.

So meals from scratch will continue, again I have the week planned out, but I went for more lighter options. Adding to that Poppy and I will go for a walk every day this week, and I'm going to do 30mins of higher intensity cardio each day on top of that, and my 15mins of stretching because it's absolutely delicious!

We went for our first family bush walk yesterday, it was fantastic, I was so proud of Poppy she kept going for the hour and a bit and there were so so so many steps and she only needed to be carried up a few. She thought it was great and so did hubby, he actually said that once we were half way he only wished he'd been motivated enough to get out sooner (it wasn't real easy to get him to go) because he was really enjoying it and far preferred to do that than be sitting/sleeping, at home on the lounge. It also didn't hurt for him to see some of the amazing old guys (and girls, but particularly for him guys) that were walking back the other way past you and it's like a stroll in the park for them, on our way back up hubby was really struggling, he said later that he would really like to be one of those guys that are doing that well at such a ripe age, he is noticing he isn't as fit anymore and that's a great first step. He has always relied on those around him "being good" to have a flow on effect so he's being kinda good, he's never actually set out to do something for himself so that may just be in the pipe line...

And today my daughter fits into my old ballet shoes, her feet are just like mine, long and narrow, there is so much of her that is so much like I was. As much as it scares the hell out of me that she is so like me, I thank god that I am doing what I am doing and not only setting the best example that I can, but also providing some of the healthiest tools and habits that I can. Something I am becoming more aware of is that I have this weight on me still, I need it to be off so she has a mum that isn't so weighed down and visually not such a great example, she can chop up all the veggies in the world but seeing me at this size every day is not going to be the best thing for her, and maybe more importantly it's not the best thing for me. I am very conscious of loving me and not the opposite like I was for so long, I feel deep down that that is the best idea I could ever instill in her because loving yourself really makes it very hard to abuse yourself like I did for most of my life. Well I hope so anyway, but the point is this weight has to come off, I have to release it in order to be the best that I can be and so I will.

I still have no time for doubt and i really don't feel it so it didn't happen this week, keep watching because it will all come off.

Lots of love and positivity,
CJ

2009-03-20T17:03:00.002+11:00

I don't know if you can tell I have any tan on..lol but this was taken this morning and I'm looking like the cat that got the milk because I had just the most awesome time last night. I've had a wonderfully relaxing day today and I'm feeling really good.

2009-03-17T16:08:00.002+11:00

When I woke up this morning the first thing I did was think 'I want to get up and do an hour on the cross trainer' and I did! I got dressed (warmly it was freezing) and put in an hour on the crossy timer. I did it knowing I could go what ever rate I wanted, and do as much of it as I chose. When it was going to be converted to points I was pretty much wanting to get the most out of my time on it so I would be very stressed and pushing it.

I got on this morning with my ipod and went with the music, if it was a slower song I went slower, if it was quicker I went quicker, it was black eyed peas- monkey business, so I wasn't slacking but I WAS really enjoying it. The hour seemed to go in no time and I still finished with a pretty respectable avg heart rate. More than that I've gone out for a walk with my girl and played in the backyard and really enjoyed the sunshine that's been on offer today.

I feel positive and I've put really good fuel into my body and I feel capable of anything. I know this won't all be goodness and light the whole way but I'm having a great start.

Just today's update,
CJ

A change for the better

2009-03-16T15:13:00.002+11:00

Well, this is going to seem nuts after my last few posts but sometimes I am like this, I keep going with what I know while my head may be formulating something else. This is not a lack of stickingtoitiveness but this is my reality as it stands today.

I have been thinking something for quite some time and I have been refusing to say it out loud because I felt so strongly that it would be the end. But after a crazy fight with hubby last night I ended up in tears saying a lot that I have been keeping to myself, and among other things one thing kept playing through my head but it is what i have been so scared of saying.

I have been with weight watchers for over 3 years now I think, I have been actually doing the program for a year of that which started when I lost my last pregnancy, after 12 hellish weeks and a lot of being in hospital we lost that little boy, but those hellish weeks kept me so trapped I longed to be free and to use my body again and when we lost that bub I thought to myself, there is a reason for this, I might not have ever been meant to meet the little fella but maybe I needed his brief presence to give me that wake up call to get healthy.

That was March last year and in the first 10-12 weeks after that I lost 10kgs but since then it really hasn't gone any further despite the training, healthy eating and changes/epiphany's in thought. There is only so long that anyone does something without getting the results they want to see and as I was saying all this to my husband I finished with, I have gone long enough, I'm quitting the weight watchers program.

For so long these word signified failure to me, even right up to when they came out of my mouth, but as soon as they did I knew the truth and I went and wrote in my diary and will copy it verbatim here.

15.3.08

It's 11pm and this is officially my last hour of Weight Watchers.

I am giving the weight watchers program up. I am simply not getting the results I want. I have so much to say at this point in time so I will endeavour to get it out fluently.

Firstly in quitting, I am not giving up on my health, not at all. I did really think and feel that's what it would mean for all the time I've been thinking about it but I have finally verbalised the end. Something i was avoiding because I knew it would be the end. I'm at that end but all that is in my head is new beginnings.

My goals haven't really changed from 3 something years ago when I started. But they aren't being realised and it is more because of WW than a lack of it. (In that WW doesn't suit me, nothing is for everyone and I have got all I can, for those who are getting results then it is the thing for you)

The plan I am forming at this stage will involve me still weighing once a week and measuring and entering those weekly on WW and cal. king (which I have been doing for some time). But that will be it for tracking per se. At the moment I am thinking I will keep a combined food and exercise journal but not to make sure it's "right" more just to have a record to call back on if needed. Why is this better than what I have been doing? Because I will be able to be completely honest and have total freedom. My week ahead food wise is pre-planned and our dinners are from Jamie Olivers Ministry of Food. I would rather aim at striking a balance over the week by keeping portions on the smaller side and alternating lighter and heavier meals.

Mon-Korma, Tues-Fish cakes and steamed greens, Wed-Chicken stroganoff, Thurs-Spaghetti in classic tomato sauce, Fri-home made burgers and wedges. Eating just what I need to be satisfied, having lighter meals thrown in and cooking from scratch seems more like something I can do forever rather than be trying to find the replacement for coconut milk. (I bought the light one today anyway lol, I still buy all light)

When it all boils down to it, a) I want to feel good like I do when I being healthy, and b) I want to set the best possible example for Poppy. That's all that really matters.

Cooking things from scratch instead of using a jar because it's easier to track is a better example.

Learning how great cooking your own healthy food is and enjoying everything, from the shopping for the veggies (or growing them) to sitting at the table and eating the final product, instead of it all being a chore is a better example.

Spending the extra time together in both food and exercise instead of all the planning on the computer is a better example.

Getting outdoors together and enjoying activities together instead of feeling the pressure to always get a better heart rate, ergo, only going for solitary walks or going so nuts on the crossy that I can't do anything but sit on my ass for the rest of the day is a better example.

Spending 95% of my time discovering my own happiness and influencing my daughters instead of devoting that 95% to my weight alone is a much better example.

I just want to be able to feel like I can enjoy a sleep in with hubby on a Saturday morning, letting Poppy come in to snuggle me awake and then all doing something active together for the day instead of getting up with the alarm to work out for an hour before our day starts.

I want to occasionally go out with my family and order what I truly think will be the most delicious and fulfilling. Not to be unhealthy but to not be deprived, sensible without the stress. That would be so nice.

I do not think these are the ramblings of an unhealthy head space. I just want to live a little more and have some space to work on other things. One that comes to mind is that I want to be more decisive. Down the track this assists in all sorts of aspect of my life, immediately it results in me being more open to myself.

I feel really good for all this, i feel a sense of release that is actually making me feel quite sleepy so I will go with that and leave this now. But this marks the start of a new chapter, I think it will involve me being more in touch with me, listening to my body and being lots happier.

Goodnight,
CJ

Okay, so there it is. Reading it back to put it on here makes me sound like I'm down on WW but I'm not, it's the best 'program' out there, but me on it is not a good thing, I have made it an unhealthy thing in my life and have been doing so for so long that I don't think I can make any change to how I work on it. What I have done is learnt a lot and have gained such huge respect for myself. I am proud of me, I deserve health and to be happy.

I know there will be those who will be thinking that I am going to fail now, "quitting is the only failure" but I won't and you keep your eyes on my tracker, I will prove to you that I will get to my goal. I also know there will be those of you that think that I was the one that got myself fat in the first place, how can I think I can trust myself now. Well I can, I know I can, I have simply changed and just know I will be okay doing this so you watch this space too.

Today I have been making healthy food choices, playing with my girl in the sun and doing some great very healthy shopping. Writing down the egg on toast, piece of fruit and bottle of water for breaky, a half a box of chicken with veggies and egg noodles in oyster sauce that we ate at the park and the playing in the park with poppy in my journal is so much more fulfilling and good for my heart than trying to figure out what points it's worth.

Planned for the rest of the day is a walk with my girl and the dog, then chopping ingredients for dinner together and sitting at the table with our dinner and just enjoying each others company before we start another day.

I lost 700g this week and 3cm all over in the last week so I will update my little thingy if i can work it out and I'll sign off for today.

Health and positivity to all who come by here,
CJ

2009-03-13T22:33:00.002+11:00

Checking in.

I spent 2hrs walking around looking for my (stupid) dog, so I'll tick 40mins of exercise as done.

I haven't been very hungry tonight and I have finished with 3 points to spare.

Lots of water

I did have a few minutes to just sit quietly in a park by myself to eat a sandwich and enjoy the rain, lol.

Focus has been excellent.

I'm going to go meditate right this minute!

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEE
CJ

2009-03-12T16:13:00.003+11:00

How have I done today?

Exercise- I got up at 7am, with my new tunes on my ipod I got going on crossy for a 30min work out, listening to Pump It by the Black Eyed Peas totally got me going and I ended with an average heart rate of 147, a good 20 beats up on my usual average. I will do another 30 mins of the fat burner program tonight (the morning one must be manual so the gradient doesn't change, it's too noisy and wakes the girl up) so I am mixing it up, intensifying and increasing how much I do in a day today.

Saved points- I pre-tracked breakfast, lunch and dinner this morning and I have absolutely stuck to it, after dinner tonight i will have 2.5 points left of my 25 for some fruit if I need it otherwise they will join the exercise points today (about 7.5 in total for today I'm estimating).

Tracking/Water- I can tell you I've had exactly 1.1litres of water so far today and I have stuck to me pre-tracked and weighed everything that has gone in my mouth today.

For me- I spent most of my day today walking around shops, it is one week till the kings of leon concert and I went out to get a top, I found a top but it would need a new pair of jeans, so I went looking before I bought the top, couldn't find any jeans (needed them dark and short..lol) went back to the top shop and ended up buying a totally different top but it goes with what i got so I'm very happy. Something just for me and a bit of incidental exercise as well.

Keeping it simple- If I don't know the points, it doesn't go in.

I usually meditate at night before sleep or in the morning after sleep, I did some on both sides of last night. I am just focusing on being calm and centered, feeling whole and capable, they are things that last through the day and I really need this bit of head time.

Okay, much to do, I'm so glad I was told to get a life!
Cheers
CJ

My Seven Commandments-

2009-03-12T16:04:00.005+11:00

My seven commandments:

1. 40mins minimum of exercise over the course of the day, per day.

2. Have saved points at the end of the week.

3. Weigh, measure and track everything.

4. Drink water, drink water, drink water.

5. Do something i enjoy every day.

6. Focus and don't mess around with the plan, keep it simple.

7. Meditate a little each day.

Each day (starting today, the 12th of March 2009) I will keep an account of how I stick with these commandments and what effect they are having on my health and well being.

CJ

DAWNED not DAMNED lol

2009-02-25T13:05:00.002+11:00

Just thought I better correct that one from yesterdays post..lol

Also I feel like I should have some more pics up but I don't know what of, the weight is going but very slowly so there's no great update pics I'm afraid... so what else to put on here huh? Any suggestions?

Un-realistic goals

2009-02-24T08:56:00.002+11:00

I had a little bit to work through Sunday and Yesterday (I know, I always seem like I'm having to work through something) but this is good stuff I promise.

I write in a normal diary more regularly than here but this is verbatim what I wrote yesterday.

23.2.09
A new day has damned. Maybe I'm older and wiser, some might see me as a cop out, but here it is.

After setting the K.O.L (kings of leon) challenge, another in a long list of challenges (that I haven't met) I am sitting at the end of the first week, 40mins of cross trainer every day, up to points 5 out of seven days with the other two totalling 3 over (well within exercise earned), conscious of water the whole time. I have not lost 1.6kgs, no where near, i haven't done my final weigh in yet but I imagine a few hundred grams lost.

My Change in thinking.
A few hundred grams will not get me the K.O.L challenge but it is getting me somewhere. More importantly, even if I never weighed again, keeping on with 40mins of exercise per day, eating to points and drinking at least six glasses of water makes me a healthier person everyday.

If I want to be around longer for Poppy, then this is how I do it.

If I want to avoid nasty illness such as diabetes, then this is the way to do it.

It is not a race and it boils down to being for no one else but myself so setting goals that I can't make happen is setting myself up for disaster, and pain, and misery.

I am putting serious thought into putting the scales away after weigh in today and maybe only getting on once a week. The number on the scales is not really what feels good. If they were saying 90 something to me right now, I'd still feel uncomfortable and bloated and tight in clothes.

So maybe that's what I should be focusing more on, feeling more comfortable in my own skin, being happier in my own head and getting on with living instead of having a mentally configured weight that I'll be happy at.

I've just weighed in at 103.9, a loss of 700g and I have put the scales away. I do not need them, i only need to be proud of me every day and I will be getting healthier everyday.

Okay, so I'm not very poignant when writing in my diary and I could have said that a lot quicker, but I just wanted to be open about my line of thought.

Various people have been on my back about getting rid of the scales in between weigh ins, I actually did stop for almost two weeks for one of them. But it was never for me, I thought very honestly that they were helping, I know there may be some people who read this (as I've read others) and think oh, another one that's joined THAT band wagon, but I have not. I would never tell anyone they need to put their scales away. But scales for me became a security blanket that could help me keep the "slip ups" under control, not to stop slip ups, but to make sure they weren't getting out of hand, weight loss doesn't work this way, it's much better if you don't slip up, then there's nothing to check on.

I didn't trust myself, but I do now, I have put them away and I feel great about it. In almost a weeks time I'm not sure how I'll feel but for now I'm great.

And like I said in my diary, the number really doesn't matter that much, it going crazily up would not be good, but even if I stayed this same weight for ever and was still following my healthy routine, I would be a big person, but I would be a healthy one.

So to sum up, the scales are gone, I am working my a$$ off when I work out, as well I've started to incorporate weights into the whole thing this week. My diet is full of vegies and good wholesome home cooked food that I will continue to track every single morsel everyday and make sure I stay to points. Water, my old arch nemesis is now my friend, a glass with every meal and a few in between (I got there by not allowing any other type of liquid till I'd had my water for the day...lol) and lastly, kind of out of left field, I am making sure I am getting adequate sleep because that is the only thing last week that I wasn't doing right (thanks in part to a 3yo) so I'll keep working on that too.

All the best,
CJ

My Pride Scale.

2009-02-10T10:23:00.003+11:00

Okay, assuming someone will read this that doesn't know anything about it, this is it from the top.

I have a mental deficiency where I can be going great but one little moment, one bad day instantly wipes all memory of the good and I go into "feeling a failure mode". For too long I would say I wish I could just look back at the last three months and be able to say I am proud of myself.

So I decided to combat the malfunction in my head. I would each night give myself a pride score with a short reason written next to it so that I can look back at any point and see the actual percentage of pride I have in any given time.

My scale is 1=not proud, 2=indifferent, 3=proud, 4=very proud and 5=very very proud.

The first week I was getting 3's and 4's mostly but I realised I needed to work out on paper what I would need to do to (generally) be able to go to bed proud of myself for doing all I could, it was pretty simple-

-drink 8 glasses of water per day
-get 20mins of exercise in per day
-eat within points and make the food the best quality fuel for your body that you have available.

I have increased parts of that, added extra when I needed that bit of push.

For this week to get a 5 I need to have:

-had 8 glasses of water and only have one glass of anything else (eg, tea or coffee) per day, all other fluid is from water.

- exercised at least 40mins per day on crossy, preferably at least 20mins of that after dinner and before bed.

-Pre-planned and eaten within calories (on calorie king- after a couple of weeks tracking both WW points and my calorie intake on cal-king, if I have been within my cals I have been within points, so I am just going to focus on cal-king for a bit as I can pay more attention to what nutrition I am getting. It tells me what percentage of fat, carbs and protein I am eating and it provides guidelines of what I should be aiming for right down to calcium intake.)

-Written in my diary each day to build determination that I will have a great weekend of being in control and doing what I need to do, not necessarily what i want to do. (I am visualising and meal planning in there, and writing about it each day keeps the fire burning.)

So that's what will score a 5, a little bit different but the basics are still there.

Not a terribly complex idea but it seems to be working, I can honestly say that one bad day does not maketh me a failure.

Cheers,
CJ

banana SPLIT anyone?

2009-02-08T17:03:00.002+11:00

You ever have one of those days when you just don't know who you are?

Part of you just really wants to give it all up, kick it in and have a break from all this thinking and just live.

The other part knows that's no bloody option because it simply won't get you where you want to go. Stopping means going backwards and you've worked too hard and too long to do that again.

What does it mean for me today?

That my next meal will be better than my last, I will get on that cross trainer and work my heart out and I will make every minute of the rest of today count. Is it going to be easy? NO it's 5pm and 40 degrees in the shade. My body's history and I guess my subconscious says, stuff everything else, stay cool, do nothing, eat. GRRRRR I don't want to do that, that get's me no where I want to be like it has for most of my life.

Right this minute I am going to finish this, meal plan for the week, get tonights dinner under way (packed with vegies 'cause I really feel like I need them), exercise plan, do some yard work (now it's cooling down SLIGHTLY), work out and then do my favourite thing at the moment and water my garden.

I KNOW my body can do this, it's my darn head i need to get working in the right direction again for prolonged periods, I know I have it generally going but it's had a melt down the last couple of days.

I will get stuck back into my pride scale this week (I have been doing it but half heartedly) and I will write tomorrow about what that is.

And I will be honest. I have issue with weekends. It feels like a total cop out to admit but it's the truth, I even know it's not un common, but I just have to get them under control. They are the soft spot in my week where my brain seems to think it's okay not to care as much and even if nothing drastic happens (weight wise) I still don't feel right because I haven't felt in control (control issues as well, huh?). I think I know where it comes from, but I will get into that later too, right now I need to do, not just write I'm afraid.

CJ

Where's your tide mark at?

2009-02-05T16:01:00.004+11:00

I've just had one of those days that you need occasionally to clense and re-energise. Re-fill the cup that keeps getting more and more poured out of it.

I'm sitting here typing this with that beautiful earthy smell of rain on the hot ground (well, hot everything) my daughter and I have just gone out and danced in it, marvelling at how cold it can be when the day has been so hot. I love the cycle of heat, it's so soooo hot 'till it becomes too much and the sky just bursts, un-able to hold it in any longer, isn't it the most amazing thing?

Why, when I hear those big grumbling rolls of thunder and smell that amazing rain smell, does the world just feel full of hope again? Like absolutely anything can happen, anything is possible, it's thrilling and freeing, this is my favourite type of weather.

There is so much to do, but it will get done.

So much to see, but it will be seen.

So much life to live, but it will be lived.

But for now, just for now, I am going to breathe this moment in, hear it, smell it, experience it completely, because just for this minute, thats all that has to happen, all that has to be lived, all that has to be seen and all that has to be done. Pure perfection.

Go fill your cups, it's bliss.
CJ

What is it to be yourself?

2009-02-03T10:39:00.003+11:00

How are you today?

No, REALLY, how are you today?

That done with...lol back to me...

I'd love to be able to offer something inspirational and thought provoking but I really am still getting used to this whole thing.

I am proud of myself. I have reached a point where I know the health finding side of my life is integrating with the rest of what it is to be me.

The proof is that I have made a plan, daily steps to achieve what I want with my health. I am ticking those boxes off everyday. But I am not constantly thinking about it. Until recently I would feel like a failure even doing the right thing, because if I wasn't thinking about it then I wasn't dedicated enough or something, I didn't feel like I was doing enough unless I was constantly on task.

But life is. You have other things to think about all the time, thinking about losing weight all the time is not dedication, it's obsession. Now I don't mean that I am getting lazy or slipping or even considering my health as less important, thats simply not the case.

In the past 4 weigh ins I have lost 800g, then 900g, then 800g and 800g again. So I am deffinitely going in the right direction. I am proud of myself for what I am doing, what I am doing is actually more than what I had said I would do. I am now doing an hour a day of exercise, I am not only tracking points but also on cal king which gives you a break down of the nutrients in what your eating so I can make sure I'm getting enough of the right things. I have gone out for a b'day and while everyone else was drinking alcohol I stuck to water (not a terrible hardship) but I would have drunken four big jugs worth in the space of a few hours due to the amount of dancing I was doing.

I am still following the action plan, still getting all the ticks, but I don't have to dedicate all my thought to it, i can do that stuff and be thinking about other things. A more rounded thought pattern, improving myself in more than just this way. More to the point, I am okay with it. I am not feeling like a failure. I feel like I am being more successful each day.

I am not just discovering what it feels like to be healthy but I am discovering what it's like to me myself as a healthy mum, wife, and person in my own right. A person who is looking into study in mind of work down the track, a person who has just bought their own house and has things they want to do in the garden and the house.

I am learing to be me. To have a sense of whats right for me and to trust that.

Thanks for sharing this with me.
CJ

The 3 week challenge and "perfection"

2009-01-28T10:54:00.003+11:00

Well Good morning!

I thought I would explain my 3 week challenge I've got going on and then babble on a bit in retrospective way...lol

3 Week Challenge-

My Lovely friend thought she would just offer this little snippet midst conversation, "how about you get under 100kgs for my birthday pressent?"

My reply?? "Oh, sure, whens that?"

"14th of Feb"

LMAO

First I thought, oh, god, I can't do that. Then quickly it went to, well I'd have to work hard, really hard, almost 5kgs in 3 weeks, but it would be a great challenge, a game even...

So I began the game, today is day 6 of 21 and I am doing pretty well. The plan was to do 40mins of mod intensity work on my cross trainer plus about 40mins of "other" exercise as well. Drink water till I feel like a fish and to eat no more than 21 of my 25 WW points each day. 21 points of very carefully thought out food for maximum fat reduction and max nutrtion.

So like I said, I am doing great, I weighed in 103.4 yesterday morning (from the 104.5 on friday morning).

Yesterday was a bit of a hiccup though, I woke up completely drained, it took all my effort to get around the shops for a few things with 3yo in toe. It just felt like everything I had to do I was being pushed backwards. I ate okay but I didn't exercise and I just felt lousy in general.

Today I feel like yesterday never happened and I'm on the same war path with the same vigor.

Here is the retrospective bit-

When I set out, last Friday on this little dealy, my focus was on perfectionism, I would have to be perfect and totally focussed in order to win this little pressie.

Yet 5 days in I have a less than perfect day and do you know what I paid for it? I put on 300g this morning. And before anyone has anything to say about all this weighing, it's a tool and a part of the experiment, I track my food, I track my exercise, I track my feelings and i keep track of what my weight is doing in relation to everything else, a very vaulable tool in this challenge. Anyway, so that's what my crapish day equalled but i am okay with it.

It's like positive reinforcement, if I want to see that scale nudge down each day, I can, it's there for me to have, but I need to put in the work. Also one day of less than perfect is okay, if I had pushed myself regardless yesterday I probably wouldn't have had the energy to push so hard today. I can handle that, bodies can use breaks too, I just need to be able to time and keep enough control over them so that I keep keep this going for three weeks AND longer.

The thing I found so suprising is that although I didn't have a great day, it was still a really good one (I still got a 4pointer in the pride department, another tale I'll tell ya), a day like that for me would have not only been so much worse but would have gone for so much longer than just one day at one point not so long ago.

I think I am learning how to aim for perfection and yet be really okay with not quite getting there. It won't send me into a total decline anymore, a not so good day is just that, it's not an all out war on my self esteem, big massive leaps and bounds of progression on my part.

I have known for some time that I will achieve my goals, a faith in me. Now I have discovered my own saftey net, I can fall, but I can catch myself not too far down and bounce right back up again. Not to be too modest (LOL) but how awesome am I?!?! Being able to do that for myself. Mind you this clearly shows that I used to think that someone else outside of me should be my safety net, thinking of it that way sounds absolutely ludicrous now that I say it out loud but that must have been what I was thinking.

It is really good to not be thinking that way anymore.

Okay, insight to CJ over for today...lol

CJ

2009-01-24T09:53:00.000+11:00

Ooops, I do the photo thing here...lol

Okay, me straight after a work out, oh the glory...lol

...and the swimmer shots front, side and back, clearly.

All Joking aside, this is me, today, at 104.3kgs. I'm not proud of being this big but I am proud that I'm 10kgs down from when I started WW (I was more but chrissy got me, no, I got me over chrissy) at some point when I can figure out how to scan I will put a photo on of me at my heaviest, about 120kgs. I am also proud that I am still working on it, that I will get there and that I'm showing my daughter a more healthy life everyday.

I think this is well and truely enough to start with.

I've been going to for so long...

2009-01-24T09:40:00.000+11:00

Hi lovelies,

Many of the people that will be seeing this know my general background so I won't go into that right now. A priority is to figure out how to get a photo on here before I wimp out...lol.

Back soon,

CJ