DAWNED not DAMNED lol

Just thought I better correct that one from yesterdays post..lol

Also I feel like I should have some more pics up but I don't know what of, the weight is going but very slowly so there's no great update pics I'm afraid... so what else to put on here huh? Any suggestions?

Un-realistic goals

I had a little bit to work through Sunday and Yesterday (I know, I always seem like I'm having to work through something) but this is good stuff I promise.

I write in a normal diary more regularly than here but this is verbatim what I wrote yesterday.

23.2.09
A new day has damned. Maybe I'm older and wiser, some might see me as a cop out, but here it is.

After setting the K.O.L (kings of leon) challenge, another in a long list of challenges (that I haven't met) I am sitting at the end of the first week, 40mins of cross trainer every day, up to points 5 out of seven days with the other two totalling 3 over (well within exercise earned), conscious of water the whole time. I have not lost 1.6kgs, no where near, i haven't done my final weigh in yet but I imagine a few hundred grams lost.

My Change in thinking.
A few hundred grams will not get me the K.O.L challenge but it is getting me somewhere. More importantly, even if I never weighed again, keeping on with 40mins of exercise per day, eating to points and drinking at least six glasses of water makes me a healthier person everyday.

If I want to be around longer for Poppy, then this is how I do it.

If I want to avoid nasty illness such as diabetes, then this is the way to do it.

It is not a race and it boils down to being for no one else but myself so setting goals that I can't make happen is setting myself up for disaster, and pain, and misery.

I am putting serious thought into putting the scales away after weigh in today and maybe only getting on once a week. The number on the scales is not really what feels good. If they were saying 90 something to me right now, I'd still feel uncomfortable and bloated and tight in clothes.

So maybe that's what I should be focusing more on, feeling more comfortable in my own skin, being happier in my own head and getting on with living instead of having a mentally configured weight that I'll be happy at.

I've just weighed in at 103.9, a loss of 700g and I have put the scales away. I do not need them, i only need to be proud of me every day and I will be getting healthier everyday.

Okay, so I'm not very poignant when writing in my diary and I could have said that a lot quicker, but I just wanted to be open about my line of thought.

Various people have been on my back about getting rid of the scales in between weigh ins, I actually did stop for almost two weeks for one of them. But it was never for me, I thought very honestly that they were helping, I know there may be some people who read this (as I've read others) and think oh, another one that's joined THAT band wagon, but I have not. I would never tell anyone they need to put their scales away. But scales for me became a security blanket that could help me keep the "slip ups" under control, not to stop slip ups, but to make sure they weren't getting out of hand, weight loss doesn't work this way, it's much better if you don't slip up, then there's nothing to check on.

I didn't trust myself, but I do now, I have put them away and I feel great about it. In almost a weeks time I'm not sure how I'll feel but for now I'm great.

And like I said in my diary, the number really doesn't matter that much, it going crazily up would not be good, but even if I stayed this same weight for ever and was still following my healthy routine, I would be a big person, but I would be a healthy one.

So to sum up, the scales are gone, I am working my a$$ off when I work out, as well I've started to incorporate weights into the whole thing this week. My diet is full of vegies and good wholesome home cooked food that I will continue to track every single morsel everyday and make sure I stay to points. Water, my old arch nemesis is now my friend, a glass with every meal and a few in between (I got there by not allowing any other type of liquid till I'd had my water for the day...lol) and lastly, kind of out of left field, I am making sure I am getting adequate sleep because that is the only thing last week that I wasn't doing right (thanks in part to a 3yo) so I'll keep working on that too.

All the best,
CJ

My Pride Scale.

Okay, assuming someone will read this that doesn't know anything about it, this is it from the top.

I have a mental deficiency where I can be going great but one little moment, one bad day instantly wipes all memory of the good and I go into "feeling a failure mode". For too long I would say I wish I could just look back at the last three months and be able to say I am proud of myself.

So I decided to combat the malfunction in my head. I would each night give myself a pride score with a short reason written next to it so that I can look back at any point and see the actual percentage of pride I have in any given time.

My scale is 1=not proud, 2=indifferent, 3=proud, 4=very proud and 5=very very proud.

The first week I was getting 3's and 4's mostly but I realised I needed to work out on paper what I would need to do to (generally) be able to go to bed proud of myself for doing all I could, it was pretty simple-

-drink 8 glasses of water per day
-get 20mins of exercise in per day
-eat within points and make the food the best quality fuel for your body that you have available.

I have increased parts of that, added extra when I needed that bit of push.

For this week to get a 5 I need to have:

-had 8 glasses of water and only have one glass of anything else (eg, tea or coffee) per day, all other fluid is from water.

- exercised at least 40mins per day on crossy, preferably at least 20mins of that after dinner and before bed.

-Pre-planned and eaten within calories (on calorie king- after a couple of weeks tracking both WW points and my calorie intake on cal-king, if I have been within my cals I have been within points, so I am just going to focus on cal-king for a bit as I can pay more attention to what nutrition I am getting. It tells me what percentage of fat, carbs and protein I am eating and it provides guidelines of what I should be aiming for right down to calcium intake.)

-Written in my diary each day to build determination that I will have a great weekend of being in control and doing what I need to do, not necessarily what i want to do. (I am visualising and meal planning in there, and writing about it each day keeps the fire burning.)

So that's what will score a 5, a little bit different but the basics are still there.

Not a terribly complex idea but it seems to be working, I can honestly say that one bad day does not maketh me a failure.

Cheers,
CJ

banana SPLIT anyone?

You ever have one of those days when you just don't know who you are?

Part of you just really wants to give it all up, kick it in and have a break from all this thinking and just live.

The other part knows that's no bloody option because it simply won't get you where you want to go. Stopping means going backwards and you've worked too hard and too long to do that again.

What does it mean for me today?

That my next meal will be better than my last, I will get on that cross trainer and work my heart out and I will make every minute of the rest of today count. Is it going to be easy? NO it's 5pm and 40 degrees in the shade. My body's history and I guess my subconscious says, stuff everything else, stay cool, do nothing, eat. GRRRRR I don't want to do that, that get's me no where I want to be like it has for most of my life.

Right this minute I am going to finish this, meal plan for the week, get tonights dinner under way (packed with vegies 'cause I really feel like I need them), exercise plan, do some yard work (now it's cooling down SLIGHTLY), work out and then do my favourite thing at the moment and water my garden.

I KNOW my body can do this, it's my darn head i need to get working in the right direction again for prolonged periods, I know I have it generally going but it's had a melt down the last couple of days.

I will get stuck back into my pride scale this week (I have been doing it but half heartedly) and I will write tomorrow about what that is.

And I will be honest. I have issue with weekends. It feels like a total cop out to admit but it's the truth, I even know it's not un common, but I just have to get them under control. They are the soft spot in my week where my brain seems to think it's okay not to care as much and even if nothing drastic happens (weight wise) I still don't feel right because I haven't felt in control (control issues as well, huh?). I think I know where it comes from, but I will get into that later too, right now I need to do, not just write I'm afraid.

CJ

Where's your tide mark at?

I've just had one of those days that you need occasionally to clense and re-energise. Re-fill the cup that keeps getting more and more poured out of it.

I'm sitting here typing this with that beautiful earthy smell of rain on the hot ground (well, hot everything) my daughter and I have just gone out and danced in it, marvelling at how cold it can be when the day has been so hot. I love the cycle of heat, it's so soooo hot 'till it becomes too much and the sky just bursts, un-able to hold it in any longer, isn't it the most amazing thing?

Why, when I hear those big grumbling rolls of thunder and smell that amazing rain smell, does the world just feel full of hope again? Like absolutely anything can happen, anything is possible, it's thrilling and freeing, this is my favourite type of weather.

There is so much to do, but it will get done.

So much to see, but it will be seen.

So much life to live, but it will be lived.

But for now, just for now, I am going to breathe this moment in, hear it, smell it, experience it completely, because just for this minute, thats all that has to happen, all that has to be lived, all that has to be seen and all that has to be done. Pure perfection.

Go fill your cups, it's bliss.
CJ

What is it to be yourself?

How are you today?

No, REALLY, how are you today?

That done with...lol back to me...

I'd love to be able to offer something inspirational and thought provoking but I really am still getting used to this whole thing.

I am proud of myself. I have reached a point where I know the health finding side of my life is integrating with the rest of what it is to be me.

The proof is that I have made a plan, daily steps to achieve what I want with my health. I am ticking those boxes off everyday. But I am not constantly thinking about it. Until recently I would feel like a failure even doing the right thing, because if I wasn't thinking about it then I wasn't dedicated enough or something, I didn't feel like I was doing enough unless I was constantly on task.

But life is. You have other things to think about all the time, thinking about losing weight all the time is not dedication, it's obsession. Now I don't mean that I am getting lazy or slipping or even considering my health as less important, thats simply not the case.

In the past 4 weigh ins I have lost 800g, then 900g, then 800g and 800g again. So I am deffinitely going in the right direction. I am proud of myself for what I am doing, what I am doing is actually more than what I had said I would do. I am now doing an hour a day of exercise, I am not only tracking points but also on cal king which gives you a break down of the nutrients in what your eating so I can make sure I'm getting enough of the right things. I have gone out for a b'day and while everyone else was drinking alcohol I stuck to water (not a terrible hardship) but I would have drunken four big jugs worth in the space of a few hours due to the amount of dancing I was doing.

I am still following the action plan, still getting all the ticks, but I don't have to dedicate all my thought to it, i can do that stuff and be thinking about other things. A more rounded thought pattern, improving myself in more than just this way. More to the point, I am okay with it. I am not feeling like a failure. I feel like I am being more successful each day.

I am not just discovering what it feels like to be healthy but I am discovering what it's like to me myself as a healthy mum, wife, and person in my own right. A person who is looking into study in mind of work down the track, a person who has just bought their own house and has things they want to do in the garden and the house.

I am learing to be me. To have a sense of whats right for me and to trust that.

Thanks for sharing this with me.
CJ