A change for the better

Well, this is going to seem nuts after my last few posts but sometimes I am like this, I keep going with what I know while my head may be formulating something else. This is not a lack of stickingtoitiveness but this is my reality as it stands today.

I have been thinking something for quite some time and I have been refusing to say it out loud because I felt so strongly that it would be the end. But after a crazy fight with hubby last night I ended up in tears saying a lot that I have been keeping to myself, and among other things one thing kept playing through my head but it is what i have been so scared of saying.

I have been with weight watchers for over 3 years now I think, I have been actually doing the program for a year of that which started when I lost my last pregnancy, after 12 hellish weeks and a lot of being in hospital we lost that little boy, but those hellish weeks kept me so trapped I longed to be free and to use my body again and when we lost that bub I thought to myself, there is a reason for this, I might not have ever been meant to meet the little fella but maybe I needed his brief presence to give me that wake up call to get healthy.

That was March last year and in the first 10-12 weeks after that I lost 10kgs but since then it really hasn't gone any further despite the training, healthy eating and changes/epiphany's in thought. There is only so long that anyone does something without getting the results they want to see and as I was saying all this to my husband I finished with, I have gone long enough, I'm quitting the weight watchers program.

For so long these word signified failure to me, even right up to when they came out of my mouth, but as soon as they did I knew the truth and I went and wrote in my diary and will copy it verbatim here.

15.3.08

It's 11pm and this is officially my last hour of Weight Watchers.

I am giving the weight watchers program up. I am simply not getting the results I want. I have so much to say at this point in time so I will endeavour to get it out fluently.

Firstly in quitting, I am not giving up on my health, not at all. I did really think and feel that's what it would mean for all the time I've been thinking about it but I have finally verbalised the end. Something i was avoiding because I knew it would be the end. I'm at that end but all that is in my head is new beginnings.

My goals haven't really changed from 3 something years ago when I started. But they aren't being realised and it is more because of WW than a lack of it. (In that WW doesn't suit me, nothing is for everyone and I have got all I can, for those who are getting results then it is the thing for you)

The plan I am forming at this stage will involve me still weighing once a week and measuring and entering those weekly on WW and cal. king (which I have been doing for some time). But that will be it for tracking per se. At the moment I am thinking I will keep a combined food and exercise journal but not to make sure it's "right" more just to have a record to call back on if needed. Why is this better than what I have been doing? Because I will be able to be completely honest and have total freedom. My week ahead food wise is pre-planned and our dinners are from Jamie Olivers Ministry of Food. I would rather aim at striking a balance over the week by keeping portions on the smaller side and alternating lighter and heavier meals.

Mon-Korma, Tues-Fish cakes and steamed greens, Wed-Chicken stroganoff, Thurs-Spaghetti in classic tomato sauce, Fri-home made burgers and wedges. Eating just what I need to be satisfied, having lighter meals thrown in and cooking from scratch seems more like something I can do forever rather than be trying to find the replacement for coconut milk. (I bought the light one today anyway lol, I still buy all light)

When it all boils down to it, a) I want to feel good like I do when I being healthy, and b) I want to set the best possible example for Poppy. That's all that really matters.

Cooking things from scratch instead of using a jar because it's easier to track is a better example.

Learning how great cooking your own healthy food is and enjoying everything, from the shopping for the veggies (or growing them) to sitting at the table and eating the final product, instead of it all being a chore is a better example.

Spending the extra time together in both food and exercise instead of all the planning on the computer is a better example.

Getting outdoors together and enjoying activities together instead of feeling the pressure to always get a better heart rate, ergo, only going for solitary walks or going so nuts on the crossy that I can't do anything but sit on my ass for the rest of the day is a better example.

Spending 95% of my time discovering my own happiness and influencing my daughters instead of devoting that 95% to my weight alone is a much better example.

I just want to be able to feel like I can enjoy a sleep in with hubby on a Saturday morning, letting Poppy come in to snuggle me awake and then all doing something active together for the day instead of getting up with the alarm to work out for an hour before our day starts.

I want to occasionally go out with my family and order what I truly think will be the most delicious and fulfilling. Not to be unhealthy but to not be deprived, sensible without the stress. That would be so nice.

I do not think these are the ramblings of an unhealthy head space. I just want to live a little more and have some space to work on other things. One that comes to mind is that I want to be more decisive. Down the track this assists in all sorts of aspect of my life, immediately it results in me being more open to myself.

I feel really good for all this, i feel a sense of release that is actually making me feel quite sleepy so I will go with that and leave this now. But this marks the start of a new chapter, I think it will involve me being more in touch with me, listening to my body and being lots happier.

Goodnight,
CJ


Okay, so there it is. Reading it back to put it on here makes me sound like I'm down on WW but I'm not, it's the best 'program' out there, but me on it is not a good thing, I have made it an unhealthy thing in my life and have been doing so for so long that I don't think I can make any change to how I work on it. What I have done is learnt a lot and have gained such huge respect for myself. I am proud of me, I deserve health and to be happy.

I know there will be those who will be thinking that I am going to fail now, "quitting is the only failure" but I won't and you keep your eyes on my tracker, I will prove to you that I will get to my goal. I also know there will be those of you that think that I was the one that got myself fat in the first place, how can I think I can trust myself now. Well I can, I know I can, I have simply changed and just know I will be okay doing this so you watch this space too.

Today I have been making healthy food choices, playing with my girl in the sun and doing some great very healthy shopping. Writing down the egg on toast, piece of fruit and bottle of water for breaky, a half a box of chicken with veggies and egg noodles in oyster sauce that we ate at the park and the playing in the park with poppy in my journal is so much more fulfilling and good for my heart than trying to figure out what points it's worth.

Planned for the rest of the day is a walk with my girl and the dog, then chopping ingredients for dinner together and sitting at the table with our dinner and just enjoying each others company before we start another day.

I lost 700g this week and 3cm all over in the last week so I will update my little thingy if i can work it out and I'll sign off for today.

Health and positivity to all who come by here,
CJ